[Personal] I Am So Stressed

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Ugh. This happens every year, and every year it’s the same: Tax Day.

I haven’t been able to post much or do too much else apart from run on semi-autopilot. I’ve been able to keep up with my health goals and have been updating my progress on this blog, but all the other posts I’ve wanted to do have just had to be put on the back burner because I am just so, so stressed.

I hate tax day so much. Due to my situation and being a British citizen, my taxes are slightly more complicated than the regular US taxpayer, and I am ashamed to admit I am a major procrastinator, so leaving it this late is also a major source of anxiety. But this post is not for me to whine, even though I want to. No, I have to remember and remind myself that God is in control. This post is to count my blessings, so here they are:

  1. I have an accountant and he is super helpful.
  2. I have Jacky this year – he has the best head on his shoulders, he is able to think logically and clearly. He does not fear these tax forms, he does not go cross-eyed from reading them, his brain does not fog up, his palms do not sweat and his heart rate remains steady when reviewing them, and he is able to help and advise me with them for my share too. He is able to hold me when I’m about to cry from stress and anxiety. He prays for and with me at all times. He is the best.
  3. I have Jesus. He is Lord of all; all things are in His hands. He has guided me and guarded me through all the years of my life, will He let go of me now? Is He not in control of tax forms too? Has He not answered all my prayers every year whenever I call upon Him about this issue? Finally — has He not already secured my salvation, my resting place in Heaven? I already know where I will end up. Why is my heart so weary and my mind so narrow when I can just think upon the eternity that is waiting for me with Him. In light of eternity, these things are nothing.

The thing is, I always get money back from tax returns and this year looks like it will be no different. It’s entirely in my mind… I don’t know why I fear them so much. I render to Caesar what is Caesar’s, I am typically good with my finances… so why is it that whenever I look upon these forms, I forget that I am His? Perhaps this illuminates a greater heart issue: that I am so good at relying on myself for everything else that I typically do not rely on God until things get hard.

I just finished reading Philippians yesterday, how timely a reminder it is:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

The Philippians and Paul were facing major persecution for Christ’s sake. Paul himself was even in prison at the time! What am I doing? Enjoying the comforts of my own home, gorging on food and drink that has made me fat… and so far removed from having the right mind of Christ that I am freaking out over some tax forms.

I will then finish with a prayer:

Lord, may You grant me the right perspective, that I may be — and remain — Kingdom minded, knowing that all these things will be added to me as long as I seek You and Your righteousness first. Indeed, having You alone is more than enough. May You be my first priority, first point of call, first in my heart. May You reign as rightful King of my heart. May it be so in Jesus’ name.

A New Prayer

(Okay last super personal post I promise, unless you guys don’t mind reading them? I do invite you to join me on this journey… I’m trying to improve, and would love for you to keep me accountable. If anything, I thank you for caring enough to read my story.)

Oh man. These past few weeks have been tough. Not that anything bad has happened to me, but I have noticed issues with my own attitude non-stop.

I’d get mad at things I never got mad at before and my anger would not easily subside. I’d curse, and it’s typically unlike me to ever swear. I would slander people as if I were somehow more righteous than them. I found myself becoming a jealous, selfish, unloving person.

Or perhaps, that’s been a part of me all along that is typically supressed. It’s scary to think that this type of person is hiding in me, but I think there exists an ugly side of every human – hence our sinful human nature.

My prayer for this year – righteousness and holiness – was a dangerous one indeed, and I think in principle it would be a brilliant prayer… if we weren’t living this side of the cross.

As with last year, He responded to my prayer right away. This time, I was put in situations to constantly test my righteousness and holiness, to see if I could somehow control or subdue my sinful nature alone.

It’s only been a few weeks and I have already had my answer loud and clear: I can’t.

But that’s the point. Read More

Please Pray For Me

Abalone Cove sea

I don’t know how I still end up surprised that time flies, but it truly still surprises me. It’s already been a week since I visited LA and that was indeed a blessed trip.

I have a lot of photos to sort through and share, so I’d like to give them their own rightfully deserved dedicated posts. But this one will be dedicated to reflections.

Read More