I’m into dramas right now.

autumn mist
Image credit: Unsplash

I’m going through a hard time for no good reason. I can’t pinpoint why, and I can’t say for sure when it started. I have a few guesses though:

  1. A result of major burn out
    Even after — by God’s grace — I was let go from my job with severance in late August, I hadn’t had a break. I was already severely burnt out from my job and thank God that I had almost 2 weeks to rest before getting married (very small religious ceremony, we are having a wedding vow renewal ceremony and reception in late Feb), and due to no longer having a job I was able to travel up north to be with my new husband and spend time with him there.

    But I still didn’t have a break because church needs increased, I had to seriously start planning more for our wedding in Feb, when I went to visit Jacky in NorCal we were apt hunting, then moving, then buying furniture, then putting the apartment together. It’s finally done now, but the burn out is already strong, and recovery is slow.

  2. A subtle but persistent spiritual attack
    Typically the onset of depressing feelings alerts me to demonic activity around me. And of course, why not? I had been entrusted with increasing serving responsibilities with youth and worship team and was also working hard to welcome newcomers. I’ve also been there before (depression), and it’s easier to relapse.

    The one-off off day isn’t anything to be afraid of, but when the heaviness in my heart persists and the lies of “nobody loves me, nobody cares” don’t stop swirling in my mind it’s obvious something is wrong. Logically I know this. In my heart and in my brain I know this. But it’s like an outside force is trying to drag me down and I have to fight so hard not to internalise these thoughts. This is especially true when I go out and interact with my friends and church family who, often through no fault of their own, say or do things that hurt me deeply and end up reinforcing this lie, and, if I had somehow managed to move forward a couple of paces in this battle, these things just knock me straight back to where I started — or sometimes even a few steps further into darkness. It’s exhausting. I’m so tired. I hate being overly sensitive. I just about have the strength to fight my demons to stay afloat right now. I can’t face other people outside of this.

    I’ve been going out to meet with my wedding coordinator (who’s been a life-saver in all things related to our wedding planning) and some vendors. Outside of this, maybe a conversation here and there with UK friends over the phone but I’m otherwise too drained to leave the house or even read anyone else’s messages let alone respond to them.

    I haven’t been able to face my church family at all this week. I’m struggling with finding the strength to go to fellowship tomorrow. I want to go; I should go, but I don’t know if I have the strength to go. I don’t know if someone will make another off-handed snide remark or snarky joke that regularly I’d laugh along but right now can’t handle again. I’m scared. It’s sad.

  3. The weather
    One of the reasons I wanted to move away from UK was probably a degree of seasonal depression. Rain outside and dark days tend to get me down. It got better in LA — we don’t have many seasons outside of sunny and sunny with the occasional cloud — but it rained a lot in NorCal. That said, I wasn’t as bad in NorCal and LA has been very sunny recently, so I’m not sure this is as big a culprit. Maybe I’m just missing my hubby and the NorCal apartment space that is ours. Having him around to remind me of his infinite love (and a reminder of Christ’s love for me) made things much more bearable.

  4. Lack of exercise
    This one might be a bit more chicken and egg. I don’t think my depressive state is related to lack of exercising, but I have noticed a marginal improvement on my mental state after exercising (I just did a little now and finally have strength to write something here, which I’ve been meaning to do for a long time). But I need enough mental strength to push myself to do the exercise in the first place.

Either way, it’s been hard. So, I’m into dramas right now. They help me to escape. It’s not the healthiest, but it’s making it easier.

My goal is to escape into God’s Word and prayer. These two things have been lacking recently and that’s probably why I’m on the losing side of this battle right now. I was moved to pray hard yesterday against demonic attacks and for God’s protection and today I am feeling the strength of prayers (also from others, as I am sure there are at least 3 others praying for me). I thank God for them.

I’m trying to do more reading these days, but it takes a lot more effort than just sitting in front of a screen and escaping reality through entertainment and feeling the rush of happy endorphins or relieving stressful tears through empathy. Please pray for me, it’ll come slowly. Please don’t rush me, I can’t handle that right now. My mental state is weak. There’s not much more than I can bear these days. Please be patient — God’s not finished with me yet.

On the bright side, I discovered Viki’sLearn Mode” in dramas and have actually been able to learn some Korean through it. I purchased an annual subscription because they have a 30% off sale (ends 2nd Jan, 2020) and since I have watched The Tale of Nokdu for the 6th time in a row (up to ep. 8 at least) I can now confidently have a basic conversation with you in Joseon Korean heh heh. Kidding. But not really kidding. I’m trying to watch some modern day dramas so I can actually learn some usable Korean now.

Thanks for reading, and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to you recently. Please keep praying for me.

Progress

Yesterday I went to a friend’s house for fellowship and prayer. Regular church prayer meeting had been cancelled due to holidays but Jon opened up his place so we had an impromptu one there instead.

Aw man, I bought ingredients I wanted to eat and they cooked up this FEAST. My photo doesn’t do it justice but man every dish was bursting with flavour. I am salivating just thinking back.

Thank you, Trader Joe’s, for providing a nutritious and delicious meal for a small army for <$20 (omg). And thanks to Jon and Ak for actually cooking it, of course. I have a new found respect for Jon’s cooking now. Don’t tell him. Out of all the many meals he’s cooked (seriously many), this is probably my favourite.

That wasn’t the point though. Sorry. View Full Post

2019.

Happy New Year, everyone. I pretty much missed an entire year’s worth of blog posts last year. That’s my fault. Hopefully this year will be different…

The sunset was beautiful today, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees the beauty of nature and is breathless in awe of the wonders formed by our awesome creator. Jacky and I watched the sunset and prayed together for something like an hour. I spent much of my evening thereafter meditating on the Word and praying and bringing everything back before Him, and just having some generally much-needed God-time.

Last year was… interesting. Still full of blessings, but if I’m honest I am disappointed with myself. I had become prideful of my self-determined spiritual growth in 2017 and thought I didn’t need a Bible reading plan. As a result, my reading was sorely lacking and my stress levels have been at an all-time high over issues that really shouldn’t have been as big of a deal. It signified a lack of faith in the God that I claimed to believe in and it took a long and painful process to recognise that. View Full Post

Rejoice!

He Is Risen

He is risen! (A couple of days late, but… the truth remains :))

Tomorrow is my birthday! It’s been a while *cough* another Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, multiple birthdays (not all my own, obv) etc. *cough* since my last post. Maybe I should start writing again, but it really depends on whether or not I have time these days.

Reading back on my previous posts, I’ve felt blessed to think back on all that God has led me through. A lot has changed, but I hope it’s more an indication that I have grown (and I don’t just mean age-wise!) – hopefully in wisdom and love, like my previous revised prayer! I’d forgotten about it, but thinking back, I hope that indeed was the case…

Either way, I’ll try to put up a real post soon. I think getting Namecheap reminders recently to pay for this domain again has kicked my butt into gear re: writing again. I like writing and reflecting, and sharing my life with my friends back home.

In my visits back to the UK, I realised that I posted more on social media about my escapades in UK than I do about what I’m doing all the way in LA. It’s almost as if LA is home, and UK is my holiday destination (which, given that I’m living and working here 300+ days/year, it definitely feels that way right now).

Anyways, will find some time to write again I hope… I love hearing that some people still check here every now and again to see if I’ve written anything :o Yey

In the mean time, rejoice, Christians! He is risen. He is risen, indeed :)